Effective Public Relations Writing: Our Rewrite Competition was to take this example put out by Tasmanian Liberal shadow treasurer Brett Whiteley in a press release issued on May 24, 2005 and highlighted in The Australian newspaper (June 2nd, 2005 page 20) and rewrite it.
"All State Liberal Policy pledges are official State Liberal policy, as are Policy Position Statements. All Policy Position Statements and Policy Pledges are fully costed. The only difference between our Policy Position Statements and Policy Pledges is that further detail associated with our Policy Pledges will be released at a later date. This detail will be released at the time of our choosing."
The winner is .....
Congratulations to Andrew Waugh, Networks Engineer Asset Management Section with Western Power Corporation in Perth who won the competition.
Here is his winning entry and the strategy behind it ....
"List the axioms:
[1] All State Liberal Policy pledges are official State Liberal policy.
[2] All Policy Position Statements are official State Liberal policy.
[3] All Policy Position Statements and Policy Pledges are fully costed.
[4] Further detail associated with our Policy Pledges will be released at a later date.
[5] Further detail associated with our Policy Pledges will be released at the time of our choosing.
[6] The further detail associated with our Policy Pledges is the only difference between our Policy Position Statements and Policy Pledges.
Assumption: A Policy Pledge becomes a Policy Position Statement, upon release of the (mysterious) further information.
Reason: The ONLY difference between the two is the release of further information per axiom [6]
Now we can perhaps re-write more concisely:
[7] = [1,2,3] All State Liberal policy pledges and position statements are fully costed and official.
[8] = [4,5,6] We shall release further information at a latter date of our choosing about our pledges, so as to describe our position statements fully.
[8] can be trimmed further as:
- Future tense “shall” automatically implies “at a latter date”
- “At a latter date of our choosing” is a default assumption that would be made if it were not stated to be due to any other reason.
The Final (somewhat more concise) Statement:
All State Liberal policy pledges and position statements are fully costed and official. We shall release further information about our pledges, to fully describe our position statements.
Yes, I am an engineer. Can you tell...? ;o)
p.s. Is "costed" an official word in the Macquarie (our national) Dictionary, or is this another example of our politicians making it up as they go...?
Here are the other entries:
"We have policies and quantities of documents associated with them. We think we know what we want to do, but we’re not sure what it’s going to cost. We’ll tell you when we’re good and ready!"
Terri Neuzerling, Manager, Employment Directions Centre, Northam
Ed comments: You win the humour award!
Tasmanian Liberals Stand by their Pledges
"We mean it, whether we say it or write it." said Tamanian Liberal shadow Treasurer Brett Whitley yesterday, in response to accusations by Labor politicians that neither State Liberal policy position statements nor their policy pledges could be relied upon. "They are all official and fully costed." he said. "We usually release the shorter policy pledges to the press and follow them up at a later stage with a detailed policy position statement. But we stand by them both. That's what sets us apart from the Labor Party."
Mark Butler
Ed comments; nice creative work Mark!
"State Liberal Policy pledges and Policy Position Statements are part of
official State Liberal Policy. Both are fully costed and further information
about our policy pledges will be released at a later date."
May Ng
Ed comments; nice and short, well done.
"All state Liberal policy pledges and position statements are fully
costed and are official state Liberal policy. We will release further
detail on our policy pledges at a later date."
Cuts more than 50% of the words out!
Christina Koullas
Corporate Communications Coordinator
Spirit of Tasmania, Melbourne
Ed comments; nice and short, well done.
"All State Liberal Policy Pledges and Policy Position Statements are official State Liberal policy and fully costed; however the details of Policy Pledges may be released later at a suitable time.
Cheers,
Henry Rymill
Big Sky PR, Kent Town Adelaide
Ed comments; nice and short, well done.
"All Policy Position Statement's & Pledges are official State Liberal Policies, and as such are all fully costed.
Further detail's relating to Policy Pledges will be released when deemed appropriate by the Liberal Party."
Regards
Andria Dickinson
Injury Management Co-ordinator
Austral Bricks, MIDLAND WA
Ed comments; nice and short, well done.
"All Policy Pledges and Policy Position Statements are official State Liberal
policy. Both Statements and Pledges are fully costed. Further detail about
Policy Pledges will be released at a later date to be advised."
Cheers,
Lee Howman
Ed comments; nice and short, well done.
"All State Liberal policies are fully costed and expressed in Pledges
and - with more detail - Position Statements. Pledges contain a
summary of policy which is released after further consultation and
discussion."
Regards
Simon Jackson
Well done to all our entrants.
Copy your effort on this blog if you think you can do better.
Cheers
Tom